Hands

My hands are cold
My freezing fingers grasping at
Each other so desperately
My brain restlessly wishing and
Imagining one set of fingers was yours
Trying so hard to grasp
Warmth from the mere thought of you
Hopelessly wishing
You could be here next to me and
You would hold me in your arms
Against your chest, letting me
Drink in your intoxicating smell and
Cuddling in against you
Just so you could keep me warm

I Don't Even Write Poems

I love your little quirkiness, the way you get so excited
Over a new song, or a new solo you've managed
To learn, or even a new scientific discovery
I love the gleam in your eye, the twinkle
As you go on about something you love
I love you because you've always been there, and
You still always are. You are by my side even though
It may not be in the way but I want but oh
It's better than not having you at all
I love how you can be so open with me, how
You can be yourself with me without a shame in the world
I love you through all your imperfections because
Those imperfections make you so perfect to me
I love when you call me and I see your face
When you laugh and talk and all I can do is
Look at you longingly, the love growing exponentially
I love you because the love hormones and chemicals
In my body get activated whenever I think about you
And I'm always thinking about you
I love you because the adrenaline, the dopamine
The serotonin all say I desire you
Because the vasopressin
Tells me I'm committed to you
And the oxytocin, oh lord the oxytocin
It makes me need to feel you against me
To be able to hold you and have you hold me
But I love you because
My love brings me to make up a poem full of excuses
As to why I love you, heck I don't even
Write poems, but love does something it
Changes you, it moulds you, it kills you and it
Resurrects you and you go through a whirlpool
Of all these emotions and feelings
But I love you
Because I don't know why I love you
But I know that I do

They Mustn't Get Me

Running.

That was all I'd been doing for countless hours.

Running.

They can't get me.

They mustn't get me.

My legs were exhausted. My heart was pounding, lungs struggling to hold oxygen. My muscles screamed for me to stop but my brain urged me to keep going. To find shelter. I couldn't stop.

They mustn't get me.

The otherwise ethereal forest seemed sinister at this time of the night. There was no moon to illuminate the path for me. How big was the forest? I should've been out of it ages ago. Something was wrong. But I couldn't stop to observe my surroundings. I couldn't stop running.

They mustn't get me.

Fatigue forced me to slow my pace. Images of the things flashed through my mind over and over. Tall creatures with hides dark as the night itself, hunched over, arms dragging in the ground, claws longer than their hands leaving scores in the dirt. Their faces; they lacked eyes, but had mouths filled with teeth longer human fingers and sharper than razor blades. Tails so powerful, one whip could break every bone in a man's body. I had to keep going.

They mustn't get me.

These were beasts that had the aura of being around far longer than any creature on earth; almost as old as the earth itself. Primitive creatures driven by insane bloodlust. I could see them rip apart my neighborhood before my eyes again. Throats torn, organs punctured; crimson everywhere. Not a single part went to waste. They devoured everything down to the bone. The memories gave me a brief surge of adrenaline and I started to run faster.

They mustn't get me.

It was not long before I started to slow again. I could not stop but my legs would take me no further. Tears welled in my eyes. The forest was unfamiliar and unending. Was I caught in their trap? Was this an illusion created by them? I knew not what bounds their powers reached. I climbed up the tallest tree I could find. Their footsteps approached the area I was hiding; they had had no trouble catching up. Perhaps they were toying with me.

They might get me.

One of the creatures let out an unnatural sound, one that cannot be compared to anything a human has ever heard. It resonated in my head even after there was silence. It stood under the branch I was desperately clinging to. I prayed the thick foliage would hide me. It screeched again and two others joined it. Did they have an impeccable sense of smell? If so, there was no way I was safe.

Without warning, one of the creatures swiped it's claws against the trunk of my tree with immense speed. There was the deafening sound of wood splintering and I felt the tree along with myself falling. The ground rushed up at me. I was in excruciating pain. My arm was twisted in a horrible angle, I could see the broken bone jutting out of my skin. My legs were stuck under a network of thick branches, blood oozing out from several cuts. If they hadn't smelled me before, they definitely did now. The scent of blood must have reached them, for their cries turned to excitement. They began scrabbling at the foliage, eager to get at their prey, ripping away branches like they were mere twigs. I closed my eyes and waited. They were going to get me. I felt the hot, putrid breaths on the skin of my face.

They had me.

Strength

'It's only a little cut,' I think to myself, the first time I pull out a knife. 'That's it, just a little one to numb the pain.'

That's how it starts. That's what we think. 'Just one little chocolate', 'Just another minute', 'Maybe just one more cut'. It's never just one more. It never stops.

Grab a blade, a knife, a sharp object. Put it to your skin. Pull it through. Feel the sting. Pull it across a second time. A third. Watch the blood slowly pool out. Feels good doesn't it?

Now think about your best friend, your boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent. Think about how all they've tried to do is get you to stop. They may not understand what you're going through. What compels you to do such a thing. But do you give a thought to them when you ruin your arm? Think about what it does to them. This is only the beginning. One fine day, you're going to be dead. Think about them crying around your body with blood pooling around you. One day, you're going to cut too deep and that's going to be the end of you.

"I try, I really do," I know you do. I know how hard it is to stop. But let the one boy whose smile you see everyday keep you going. Let that simple action give you the strength to stop. Think about how you have to see it the next day. He may not know he's what propels you on, but to you, he's more than the universe. Let that be your reason to live. The girl who's eyes are brightest, most beautiful things you see. Her incredible laugh. Stop for that. The people around you who love you. Stop for them.

They care for you.

Stop because there's more to life than just that little phase of depression. Yes, it seems like the world is only trying to pull you down and you feel worthless and just want to end it all. But be strong. You'll make it through. And it's worth the fight. The light you see at the end of your struggle will be the most awesome sight. An amazing feeling of freedom. A load off your shoulders. And at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a better, stronger person.

Pain

You feel horrible. Your insides feel like they don't function anymore. You lose your appetite for everything. You don't eat for days.

It hurts.

You don't want to talk to anyone. Shut yourself away. Isolate yourself. Cry all alone.

But at the same time you want the people closest to you to hold you and talk to you and tell you everything will be okay.

You're with your closest friend. He can see you're hurt. You're holding everything in. You tell him everything's okay. It's not. You're breaking down inside, every wall of strength you built up is crumbling down.

He can tell, even if you don't let him know. He puts an arm around you. Holds you tight. Gets past your defenses. A tear leaks out of your eye.

"Hey, no, don't cry," he says. That's it. Those words. They make the dam finally break. Your tears stream out, hot and unstoppable. He hugs you tighter. You can't control yourself. It's the fact that someone cares enough, loves you so much that finally destroys you.

You tried to be alone, to keep the pain to yourself, hold it in and deal with it yourself. But the presence of that one significant person demolishes the pillars you so painfully put up. Strips away all the layers of self defense you put up.

You melt in their arms. That is now your world. It comforts you, surrounds you. Gives you the warmth and love you needed.

You cry yourself dry. You let all the pain out. You feel much better.

They're there for you.
You're loved.
You don't have to deal with things alone.

Loathe

Isolation.
Silence.
Calm.
Peace.

A moon shining down bright and fierce. The sound of a train honking in the distance. Warmth radiating from the fire by which I lay. The sleek body of a cat curled up again my stomach. Owls hooting right outside the window open to the night.

The cold breeze tickled me all over, comforting me. Along with the gentle crackling of the flames and purring of my feline companion, I drifted into a hypnagogic state, as one with insomnia might experience.

All was calm until it happened. A slender figure looking in through the window. It's facial features unclear. Stuck one long, bony leg through the gaping hole, followed by the other. Its arms were long and brushed the ground, its hands not hands, but grotesque claws. I tried to get up, but it was impossible. My body seemed to be stuck to ground. I was unable to move.

The thing approached me, it's face forming as it got closer. Empty eye sockets, a mouth twisted into the most inhumane shape, gaping holes in the sides of its face with rows of dagger-like teeth sticking out. I was frozen with fear. The thing was now hovering right next to my body, towering high above me. It brought its face down to mine and I could smell the stench of death.

I opened my mouth to scream but not a sound came out. My legs seemed to have been made of lead, I could not escape the fear that was rapidly eating away at me. The monster brought a claw to my face and poked it. It let out a low growl, then threw its head back and screeched into the night. Within seconds, one more monster, much like the first, stood in the room.

My heart was racing, it felt as though it may burst out of my rib cage at any moment. I thought for sure that my life was going to end then. The second monster rapidly opened and closed its claws making an uncomfortable clicking noise that set my nerves on end. Soon the first joined it. My eyes turned towards the window and what I saw scarred me. I would never forget that face, indescribable, eyes glowing red with such hatred and loathing, a look itself would have one wincing with pain.
I heard a low chanting begin, echoing all around me. The two monsters bared their rows of teeth and let out sounds never heard before by human ears. I wanted to cry, I could feel the tears held back by an invisible dam, my throat was locked, I couldn't breathe.

The first monster lowered its face to mine and parted its jaws. I saw into its mouth, a pitch black hole from which there was no return. I knew I was done for. But at that moment, the monsters just vanished into dust. I looked around, everything was normal. The cat was awake and licking my cheek. The fire lent me warmth and calmed me down. I could breathe once more. I lay on my back till my heartbeat was regular again. Propping myself up on my elbows, I stroked the cat and kissed her forehead. Thought about how sleep paralysis is a horrible thing to experience.

I sat myself up and breathed in the fresh night air. There was a rustle at the window and I turned to look.

The evil figure with the red eyes was still there, the loathing just as strong.

Drifting

And so I drifted across the desolate, barren void. Darkness surrounded me on all sides, the cold setting deep into my bones.

Of course, without a space suit I ought to have been destroyed instantly, exposed to radiations and negligible pressure. But this felt surreal; so dreamlike, yet I was living the moment as if awake.

A lone, sentient being, drifting across that forlorn void, light from stars millions of lightyears away reaching my eyes after, who knows, billions of years.

Drifting endlessly, no beginning, no destination.

I came upon a system of planets orbiting a dying star, over fifty times the size of our beloved sun. A black hole was inevitable. The planets surrounding it were inhabitable and melancholy, yet the entire scenery was mesmerizing.

Drifting further, no place to go.

And all of a sudden, I was a speck outside a bubble, and it was as if someone had pushed a fast-forward button inside that bubble. The planets seemed to revolve around the star the same way you'd see electrons revolving around a nucleus in the atomic model. The star used up all its energy until the gravity was far too strong to be counteracted. At that moment, whatever controlled the epic bubble had hit the play button.

Drifting around, safe outside the bubble.

And then it happened.
The star exploded in a spectacular supernova and the gravity pulled the mass of star inwards, crushing it into a singularity with infinite density; all at once. The supernova explosion devoured the planets orbiting closest to late star.

The black hole was formed. The bubble of space dissolved.

Drifting along the unaffected dwarf planets.

A miraculous sight, etched into my memory forever.